When You Don’t Know How You Feel: Understanding and Identifying Your Emotions

By Jen Bennethum, Therapist | Integrate Therapy & Wellness

We often hear the suggestion to “just name your feelings,” as if it should be simple. Yet for many, it’s anything but. Our early conditioning plays a role — if we grew up in environments where emotions were dismissed, punished, or ignored, we may have learned to silence or distrust our inner world. Stress and trauma also make a difference; when our nervous system is in survival mode, the brain prioritizes safety over reflection. This means the parts of our brain responsible for identifying and naming emotions can temporarily go offline.

On top of that, many of us live “from the neck up,” staying in our heads and disconnected from the body. Over time, this dulls our ability to recognize the subtle physical signals where emotions first take shape. And often, emotions don’t arrive alone — a louder, protective feeling like anger may mask a quieter, more vulnerable one like grief or shame.

“In order to move on, you must understand why you felt what you did and why you no longer need to feel it.” ⁠—Mitch Albom

The Science: Emotions Start in the Body

Neuroscience shows that emotions begin as physiological experiences. They show up as sensations — tightness in the chest, a lump in the throat, heat in the face, or butterflies in the stomach — long before the mind gives them a name. If we’ve trained ourselves to override these sensations, we can miss the emotional message entirely.

As neuroscientist António Damásio once said, “We are not thinking machines that feel, we are feeling machines that think.” Recognizing our bodily cues is often the first step toward understanding our emotions.

Reconnecting with Your Emotional World

When you find yourself unsure of what you feel, start by slowing down. Take a moment to pause and ground yourself. Notice your breath, feel your feet on the floor, or bring your hands together with gentle pressure. This creates a sense of safety that allows self-awareness to surface.

Let your attention drift through your body, scanning for sensations. Maybe your chest feels heavy, your jaw is clenched, or there’s an uneasy flutter in your stomach. Describe what you notice without judgment or the pressure to label it.

From here, tools like a feelings wheel can be helpful. Instead of narrowing in on one emotion right away, explore the broader territory — perhaps you recognize you’re in an “angry” family of emotions, then gradually identify a more precise word such as “frustrated” or “resentful.”

Bring curiosity to the sensations you uncover. Ask yourself what these feelings might be pointing toward, when you’ve experienced them before, or how they may be connected to something in your present life. Over time, weaving these small check-ins into your daily routine builds emotional fluency, making it easier to recognize and name your inner experiences.

Why This Matters

Identifying emotions is about more than finding the right word. It’s an act of self-connection. When you can name and understand what you’re feeling, you gain insight into your needs, respond more intentionally, and develop trust in yourself. You also deepen your capacity for empathy toward others.

Above all, remember this is a skill you can grow. If emotional awareness feels difficult, it’s not a sign of weakness — it’s often an adaptation to life’s challenges. With gentle practice and, when helpful, the support of a trauma-informed therapist, you can rebuild the bridge between body, mind, and emotion. Please let us know at Integrate Therapy and Wellness Collective how we can help you build that bridge and walk with you on your journey to wholeness!