Understanding Domestic Violence: Breaking the Silence, Building Support

By Jen Bennethum

What Is Domestic Violence or Intimate Partner Violence?

Domestic violence—also known as intimate partner violence—is a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another. It can occur in dating relationships, marriages, cohabiting partnerships, or between former partners. Abuse can take many forms. Physical abuse may involve hitting, slapping, choking, shoving, or using weapons. Sexual abuse includes any sexual contact without consent, including marital rape. Emotional abuse can appear as name-calling, humiliation, constant criticism, or gaslighting. Psychological abuse often involves threats, intimidation, or isolation from friends and family. Financial abuse occurs when one partner controls access to money, sabotages employment, or steals assets. Stalking—repeated unwanted contact that causes fear—and technological abuse, where devices or online platforms are used to harass, monitor, or threaten, are also forms of domestic violence.

Who Does It Affect?

Domestic violence does not discriminate. It affects people of all genders, ages, races, religions, and sexual orientations. It occurs in both opposite-sex and same-sex relationships and impacts individuals from every income and education level. Children who witness abuse are also deeply affected, often carrying long-term emotional, behavioral, and health consequences. According to the CDC, approximately 41 percent of women and 26 percent of men in the United States have experienced contact sexual violence, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime. Alarmingly, IPV often starts young — millions of survivors first experienced it before the age of 18, which is why prevention efforts in schools are so critical.

The consequences can be devastating. IPV can lead to serious injuries, long-term mental health issues like PTSD, depression, and anxiety, and even death. About one in five homicide victims in the U.S. are killed by an intimate partner, and over half of female homicide victims are killed by a current or former male partner. The economic toll is staggering as well — the lifetime cost of IPV is estimated at over $103,000 per woman and $23,000 per man, with a total U.S. economic burden of $3.6 trillion.

It’s also important to note that IPV doesn’t affect all communities equally. Social and structural inequities — such as poverty, discrimination, and lack of access to resources — can increase risk. Marginalized youth, for example, face higher rates of sexual and physical dating violence.

Warning Signs of Intimate Partner Violence

Verbal and Emotional Degradation

One of the earliest signs of intimate partner violence can be a pattern of verbal and emotional degradation. This may include frequent name‑calling, insults, humiliation, or belittling comments that slowly erode a person’s self‑esteem and sense of worth. Over time, these words can become as damaging as physical harm, leaving deep emotional scars.

Jealousy and Possessiveness

Extreme jealousy or possessiveness is another warning sign. A partner may constantly accuse you of cheating, demand to know where you are at all times, or insist on controlling who you spend time with. What might initially seem like “protectiveness” can quickly turn into controlling behavior that limits your freedom.

Isolation from Support Systems

Abusers often work to isolate their partners from friends, family, and coworkers. They may discourage or forbid contact, control access to transportation, or monitor communication. This isolation makes it harder for victims to seek help or maintain a sense of independence.

Financial Control

Financial abuse can take many forms, from restricting access to money and taking your earnings to sabotaging your job or refusing to share financial information. By controlling resources, an abuser can make it extremely difficult for a victim to leave the relationship.

Monitoring and Surveillance

Some abusers use technology to monitor their partner’s phone, social media, or online activity, or to track their movements. This constant surveillance creates an atmosphere of fear and reinforces the abuser’s control.

Threats and Intimidation

Threatening to harm you, your children, pets, or even themselves if you leave is a common tactic. Abusers may also use weapons, aggressive gestures, or destruction of property to instill fear and maintain dominance.

Physical Violence

Any unwanted physical contact—whether hitting, slapping, choking, shoving, or other forms of assault—is abuse. Even if it is framed as “playful” or claimed to have happened “just once,” physical violence is a serious red flag that often escalates.

Sexual Coercion

Sexual abuse within a relationship can include pressuring or forcing sexual activity without consent, controlling birth control, or demanding pregnancy. Consent must be freely given every time, and the absence of it is abuse.

Blame‑Shifting

Abusers often refuse to take responsibility for their actions, insisting that you “made” them act violently or that you somehow deserve the treatment you are receiving. This manipulation can make victims doubt their own perceptions and feel responsible for the abuse.

Identity‑Based Threats

In LGBTQ+ relationships, an abuser may threaten to reveal a partner’s sexual orientation or gender identity without consent. This form of control exploits fear of discrimination or rejection and can be especially isolating.

What Can Victims Do to Get Help?

Leaving an abusive relationship is rarely simple—and often the most dangerous time for a survivor. Safety and support are essential. Survivors can reach out to hotlines or local domestic violence programs for confidential help. Creating a safety plan that includes trusted contacts, emergency funds, and important documents can be lifesaving. Legal protections, such as a Protection From Abuse order, may offer additional security. Counseling can help survivors process trauma and rebuild self-esteem. Using technology safely—by clearing browser history, using secure devices, and being cautious with location sharing—can also reduce risk.

How Can Outsiders Help?

Friends, family, and community members play a vital role in supporting survivors. The most important step is to believe them and validate their feelings. Listening without judgment and avoiding directives about what they “should” do helps build trust. Offering practical assistance, such as childcare, transportation, or a safe place to stay, can make a difference. Sharing information about available resources and helping with safety planning—such as storing an emergency bag—can also be invaluable.

Why Don’t Survivors “Just Leave”?

It is important to understand that leaving an abusive relationship is a process, not a single event. It’s also important to remember that abuse often escalates over time. Early behaviors that seem like “overprotectiveness” or “intense love” can evolve into controlling and dangerous patterns. On average, a survivor may leave and return to an abusive relationship seven times before leaving for good. This can be due to fear of retaliation, financial dependence, love for the partner, concern for children, cultural or religious pressures, or hope that the abuse will stop.

Resources for Help

If you or someone you know needs help, there are resources available. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7 at 1‑800‑799‑SAFE (7233), by texting “START” to 88788, or through confidential chat at thehotline.org. The StrongHearts Native Helpline can be reached at 1‑844‑762‑8483 from 7 a.m. to 10 p.m. CT daily. In Pennsylvania, the Pennsylvania Coalition Against Domestic Violence offers a directory of local programs at pcadv.org, HAVIN (Helping All Victims in Need) operates a 24/7 hotline at 1‑800‑841‑8881, and Domestic Violence Services of Southwestern PA can be reached at 1‑800‑791‑4000. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.

Final Thoughts

Domestic violence thrives in silence. By learning the signs, supporting survivors, and challenging the societal norms that allow abuse to persist, we can all be part of the solution. Whether you are a survivor, a friend, a family member, or simply a concerned community member—your voice matters, your compassion matters, and your action can save lives. Please let us know at Integrate Therapy and Wellness Collective how we can help you and walk beside you on your journey to wholeness.