Soft Goals: A Trauma-Informed Alternative to Resolutions

By Jen Bennethum

How to set intentions that honor nervous system capacity

As January unfolds, the cultural pressure to transform ourselves overnight can feel especially harsh for those carrying trauma in their bodies. Traditional resolutions often mirror the very patterns that hurt us—demanding perfection, ignoring our limits, and punishing us when we inevitably fall short. But what if there was another way?

Enter soft goals—intentions that bend rather than break, that honor where we are rather than shame us for not being somewhere else. Unlike rigid resolutions that operate from the thinking brain down, soft goals work from the body up, respecting the profound wisdom of our nervous systems.

"Traditional New Year's resolutions often recreate the same harsh, critical inner voice that trauma survivors have internalized. When we set goals from a place of 'I'm not enough,' we're essentially retraumatizing ourselves with impossible standards. True healing happens when we learn to set intentions that honor our nervous system's capacity and wisdom." — Dr. Arielle Schwartz, Clinical Psychologist and author of The Complex PTSD Workbook

Understanding Your Nervous System's Language

Your nervous system speaks in sensations, not words. That tightness in your chest when you think about your resolution list? That's valuable data. The exhaustion that floods you when imagining another self-improvement project? Your body is sharing its truth. Trauma teaches our nervous systems to be exquisitely attuned to danger—and sometimes, traditional goals register as threats.

When we've experienced trauma, our window of tolerance—that sweet spot where we feel capable and regulated—may be narrower than others'. Soft goals respect this reality. They recognize that some days, brushing your teeth is a victory. Other days, you might have capacity for more. Both are valid. Both are enough.

The Difference Between Soft and Hard Goals

Hard goals demand consistency regardless of capacity. I will exercise every day. I will meditate for 30 minutes each morning. I will stop avoiding difficult conversations. They're built on the assumption that willpower conquers all, that our bodies are machines we can program for productivity.

Soft goals flow with your nervous system's natural rhythms. They might sound like: I will move my body in ways that feel good when I have capacity. I will pause and breathe when I notice activation. I will practice saying one true thing when it feels safe. Notice how these intentions include choice, honor context, and make room for the fullness of your human experience.

Creating Your Own Soft Goals

Start by asking your body what it needs, not what your mind thinks you should want. Place a hand on your heart and breathe. What would support feel like? What would gentleness look like? Your body might whisper needs you didn't expect—more rest, clearer boundaries, permission to feel without fixing.

Consider framing your soft goals as experiments rather than commitments. What happens if I try going to bed 15 minutes earlier when my body feels tired? What do I notice if I pause before automatically saying yes? This approach removes the pass/fail dynamic that can trigger our threat detection systems.

The Wisdom of Small Movements

Soft goals often start with the smallest possible movement toward what you need. If connection feels important but overwhelming, your soft goal might be to text one friend when you have capacity—not maintain regular contact with everyone. If movement supports your mental health but exercise feels daunting, your soft goal might be to stretch for one song or walk to your mailbox when your body feels willing.

These micro-movements matter because they build new neural pathways without overwhelming your system. They teach your body that change can be safe, that growth doesn't require suffering. Over time, these small steps create sustainable patterns that honor rather than override your nervous system's wisdom.

Working with Resistance

When you notice resistance to even soft goals, get curious rather than critical. Resistance often protects us from something—perhaps the vulnerability of hoping, the fear of disappointment, or the unfamiliarity of self-compassion. Thank your resistance for trying to keep you safe. Ask what it needs you to know.

Sometimes the most trauma-informed goal is nogoal at all—just presence with what is. Permission to exist without constantly improving yourself can be revolutionary when you've been taught your worth depends on your productivity.

Soft Goals in Practice

Soft goals might look like themes rather than specifics. Instead of "lose 20 pounds," you might choose "explore what nourishment means to me." Rather than "stop people-pleasing," you might investigate "notice when I abandon myself and get curious about why."

They can also be somatic practices—goals that live in your body rather than your head. I will practice feeling my feet on the ground. I will notice my breath throughout the day. I will put my hand on my heart when I feel activated. These body-based intentions build the foundation for sustainable change by increasing your capacity to stay present with yourself.

Navigating Setbacks with Compassion

With soft goals, there are no failures—only information. When you notice yourself drifting from an intention, approach yourself with curiosity rather than judgment. What was happening in your nervous system? What did you need in that moment? How can you adjust your soft goal to better honor your reality?Maybe your soft goal to journal when anxious needs to become "place my hand on my chest when anxious." Maybe your intention to eat mindfully needs to shift to "notice when I'm eating to soothe and offer myself compassion." Each adjustment is a victory—proof that you're listening to yourself rather than overriding your needs.

Soft Goals Through the Seasons

Unlike resolutions that expect linear progress, soft goals can shift with your life's seasons. During a particularly activated time, your soft goal might simply be to survive with as much grace as possible. When you have more capacity, you might explore edges gently. When grief visits, your soft goal might be to let yourself feel without rushing toward healing.

This flexibility isn't failure—it's attunement. It's recognizing that healing happens in spirals, not straight lines. That some months we expand and others we contract. That honoring these rhythms is how we build authentic resilience.

The Revolutionary Act of Gentleness

In a culture that worships harsh transformation, choosing softness is rebellion. It's declaring that you don't need to earn your worth through suffering. It's trusting that sustainable change happens not through force but through attunement—listening to your nervous system and responding with care.

Your trauma is not a flaw to be fixed but a response to what you've survived. Your nervous system's vigilance once protected you. Now, through soft goals, you can teach it new songs—melodies of safety, rhythms of self-compassion, harmonies of hope that honor your whole story.

This year, what if your only intention was to be kind to your nervous system? To notice its signals and respond with curiosity? To treat yourself like someone worthy of patience and understanding? That might be the most radical resolution of all.

Moving Forward: The Path of Gentle Revolution

As you begin this practice of soft goals, remember that you're not just changing how you approach resolutions—you're reclaiming your relationship with growth itself. You're declaring that your healing doesn't need to be another source of trauma. That your nervous system's wisdom is worth honoring. That sustainable change grows from compassion, not criticism.

Some days, your soft goals will feel too soft, and you'll be tempted to return to the familiar harshness of traditional resolutions. When this happens, pause. Place your hand on your heart. Remember that gentleness requires more courage than force ever could. It takes profound strength to stop perpetuating the very patterns that hurt you.

Your soft goals are seeds planted in the soil of self-compassion. They'll grow in their own time, in their own way. Your job isn't to force them skyward but to tend them with patience—watering them with presence, warming them with acceptance, trusting the intelligence of their design.

This is your invitation to join the gentle revolution—one soft goal, one compassionate breath, one moment of attunement at a time. Your nervous system has kept you alive through so much. Now, through the practice of soft goals, you can help it remember what it feels like to truly thrive.

The world needs your gentleness. It needs the gifts that emerge when you stop forcing yourself into shapes that were never meant to hold you. Most of all, you deserve the kindness you so readily offer others. May your soft goals be the beginning of that homecoming. Please feel free to reach out to us at Integrate Therapy and Wellness Collective with questions or if you would like us to walk with you on your journey to wholeness.