Letting Go of Deep Shame: Uncovering Its Roots and Finding Freedom
By Jen Bennethum
Shame is another one of those things that we all experience and that often begins long before we realize it, woven into the fabric of our earliest relationships and cultural messages. Evolutionary psychologists suggest shame evolved to keep us in line with social norms, helping our ancestors survive by fostering cooperation and empathy. In childhood, however, this adaptive emotion can become distorted when caregivers respond to normal needs with harsh criticism, neglect, or ridicule. A toddler’s tears for attention may be met with impatience, teaching them that wanting love is unacceptable and that something about them is inherently flawed.
Early Lessons
As we grow, these early lessons become internalized. Each time a child is shamed for showing vulnerability—whether through a scolding glance, a withheld hug, or a dismissive rebuke—they learn to shrink parts of themselves that crave connection. Over time, the mind builds an internal “shamer,” a voice dedicated to policing every thought, feeling, and need. This voice whispers that asking for support is weak, that mistakes are unforgivable, and that our worth hinges on perfection.
The shame cycle feeds on relational wounding and self-protection alike. When we feel the sting of shame—quickened heartbeat, a flush of heat, or a sudden urge to disappear—the instinct is to hide or punish ourselves to avoid further humiliation. Ironically, these avoidance strategies only reinforce shame’s power. By turning inward and shaming our own needs or coping mechanisms, we unwittingly strengthen the very belief that we are unlovable or broken.
How Shame Works
Understanding how shame works is the first step toward dismantling it. We can begin by noticing its hallmarks: the desire to disappear when attention turns toward us, the voice that tells us we don’t deserve kindness, and the perfectionism that paralyzes our actions. Naming these experiences—calling that inner critic “The Inner Guard” or “The Perfectionist Watcher”—separates us from the emotion, reminding us that we are more than these harsh judgments.
“Shame hates it when we reach out and tell our story. It hates having words wrapped around it - it can't survive being shared. Shame loves secrecy... When we bury our story, the shame metastasizes.” Brené Brown
Bringing shame into the light transforms it. Confiding in a trusted friend or therapist interrupts its secrecy and invites compassion to penetrate the darkness. Simply saying, “I feel ashamed when I can’t meet my own expectations,” dissolves the isolation shame creates. In these moments of vulnerability, we learn that we are not alone in our struggle, and that empathy can replace self-rejection.
Self-Compassion As a Tool
Cultivating self-compassion rewrites shame’s script. Instead of “I should never fail,” we learn to speak words of encouragement: “I did my best with what I knew then.” Mindfulness anchors us in the present, a refuge from the past-loop where shame replayed every mistake. A few conscious breaths or a sensory grounding practice can interrupt the shame spiral, allowing us to witness discomfort without being consumed by it.
Exploring Shame with Journaling and Other Tools
Journaling offers a direct path to reauthor our story. By exploring questions such as “What messages about worth did I absorb in childhood?” or “What would I say to my younger self in that moment of shame?,” we unearth buried beliefs and offer ourselves the compassion we longed for. Writing a letter of forgiveness to your inner child and envisioning a life less burdened by shame can shift neural pathways, gradually weakening shame’s grip.
Physical and creative outlets complete this healing journey. Gentle somatic exercises—shaking, stretching, or grounding your feet in the earth—release stored tension. Painting, dancing, or drumming give voice to what words cannot express, turning shame into raw material for transformation. In nature, we rediscover a sense of belonging that transcends self-judgment and connects us to something larger than our fears.
Moving Forward
Letting go of deep shame is not an event but an ongoing practice of recognition, naming, and rewriting. It asks us to turn toward discomfort with curiosity, to offer kindness where once there was only judgment, and to reclaim the parts of ourselves we learned to hide. Over time, these small but consistent acts of courage dismantle shame’s fortress, revealing the truth you’ve always carried: you are worthy, whole, and deserving of love exactly as you are. Please let us know at Integrate Therapy and Wellness Collective if we can walk with you on your journey to Wellness.
